Mishaps

A Little Bird Told Me

Four or five years ago my husband and I took a trip out west to visit our second son, Blaine, and his family. They live in Washington State.  Before the trip I did what I always do – try to make myself look younger, better dressed and weighing a bit – okay, a lot – less. It was around the time when Sandra Bullock was starring in Miss Congeniality. A chick flick for sure, but I liked it. There was one line where she revealed that beauty pageant contestants used hemorrhoid ointment under their eyes to reduce puffiness. Wow! I seized on that immediately. A few new duds, a few pounds lighter and a new spin on eye care. I was all over it.

So, off to CVS I go for the stuff and was there confronted by a wide array of products. Creams, gels, suppositories, travel packs – egad! As I pondered the virtues of each offering, I imagined the gel would glide on the best so that’s what I bought. I just knew I’d probably look – oh, say – thirty five again.

The first day of our visit we’d planned a hike. Washington State is beautiful and has many parks, rivers, streams and paths to enjoy. Prior to leaving I included in my morning routine the application of my gel. I used a light touch and felt as though youth and vigor were mine to command.

After the walk, while my daughter-in-law made snacks, I sat on the sofa watching videos with our two granddaughters. Just beyond the sofa is a large picture window, facing west. The late afternoon sun streamed in. I cuddled with our oldest, Elaina, who was about nine at the time, laughing and making comments about the movie.

Suddenly she pulled back and looked at me, her eyes popping wide in alarm.

“Ewwww, Grandma, what’s the matter with your face?”

My hand immediately flew to my cheeks. “I don’t know,” I said. “What - what’s wrong?”

“It looks like a bird pooped in your eye!”

Up off the sofa I jumped and into the bathroom where that rotten mirror sat, giggling, as I examined my eyes. Sure enough, the hemorrhoid gel had turned on me and right below each eye was a white flaky crust. Maybe my hand wasn't quite as light as I'd thought because it did indeed look like a bird pooped in my eye – probably a pigeon. I sincerely hoped it hadn’t looked like that all day! I shook my head and laughed myself silly while I washed the stuff off.

As I sat back down on the sofa a thought occurred to me – do pigeons get hemorrhoids? Because if they do, have I got some gel for them!!

Image: Simon Howden                                              Free Digital Photos